The Restored Podcast
We are living proof that God can and will restore any life, any marriage, any family that submits to His will. Join us as we share our testimony of how God can take a situation and restore it to His purpose.
The Restored Podcast
Beyond Feelings: What We've Learned After Two Decades Together
The feeling that draws us to someone isn't the same force that keeps us there. Frank and Darcie Montgomery celebrate their 19th anniversary by dismantling one of marriage's most dangerous myths: that butterfly-inducing infatuation is the same as love.
Drawing from nearly two decades of experience—including multiple separations, child support court, and profound heartbreak—the couple shares how they transformed their first 13 years of self-centered decision-making into a thriving partnership built on deliberate choices rather than fleeting emotions. "Even when I'm not feeling it, I choose to love you," Frank explains, challenging our culture's dopamine-chasing approach to relationships.
Perhaps most powerful is Darcie's revelation about commitment despite coming from generations of divorce. "I refused to believe the unhealed version of you was the real version," she tells Frank through tears, describing how she "went to battle on her knees" for their marriage when walking away seemed easier. Their journey reveals how selfless love creates a beautiful paradox—when both partners wake up asking "How can I serve my spouse today?" both ultimately get their needs met without demanding their own way.
The conversation expands to explore marriage as ministry, the transformative power of praying together, and why learning to appreciate small everyday moments matters more than elaborate date nights. Whether you're newlyweds or celebrating decades together, their hard-earned wisdom offers a roadmap for moving beyond feelings to forge an unbreakable bond.
What relationship lesson resonated most with you? Share your thoughts and connect with Frank and Darcie on Facebook or email your story to therestoredcast@gmail.com.
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank and Darcy Montgomery. Welcome back to the Restored Podcast. My name is.
Speaker 2:Frank, I am Darcy. This is a big week for us. You.
Speaker 1:So, with 19 years of marriage, I kind of wanted to just stay on the marriage theme this week and talk about some stuff that we've learned list. But before we get into that, one of the biggest things I think we fall into a trap whenever we're dating and I think we fail to communicate this with our children is when you start dating and you meet somebody new and you get all those new feels. You want to be around that person and they make you feel a certain way you know when you are around them infatuation this, this infatuation that you have, and you want to be around them all the time, you want to talk to them.
Speaker 1:You don't want to hang up the phone. No, you hang up first. No, you hang up first.
Speaker 2:No, you hang up first or just fall asleep on the phone or fall asleep on the phone.
Speaker 1:We've all done it, we've all been there yeah but that feeling of infatuation is not love. That feeling of infatuation might lead you to want to ask that person to marry you. It may lead to an engagement, it may lead you down that aisle to marriage, but that feeling is not love. That feeling will not sustain you.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Feelings will fade, especially when real life hits. And if you are getting married based off of a feeling I'm going to go out on a limb here and I'm going to that that's okay. But you have to nurture that feeling, you have to baby that feeling. You have to understand that maybe someday you won't necessarily feel that feeling in that way in that way.
Speaker 1:but if you were so infatuated with that person to where you wanted to be around them all the time, you fell in love with them and you decided to get married. You want to stay, you want to make a thing of this. You have to learn that even when you aren't feeling that feeling that I'm choosing love today and we have an issue with that and we chase dopamine so much In our relationships with others we are seeking dopamine. We do it in our relationship with God. We're seeking that dopamine hit. We're seeking that feeling that you get whenever you're down at the altar and the spirit of God is so thick and so heavy you feel it tingling through your body. We chase that feeling.
Speaker 2:And not the relationship.
Speaker 1:And not the relationship and not the relationship. Just as we are to worship God when we're not feeling it, we are to honor our wives, our husbands. We are to respect our spouse, we are to love them even when we aren't feeling it. Right feeling it Right and in today's world it tells us that if that other person isn't fulfilling your dopamine needs, they're not giving you those dopamine hits. You're not quote unquote feeling it anymore. It's okay to end it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But we are to push through that when we're not feeling it, and it's on those days, whenever I don't feel loving, it's on those days that I don you Right. I choose to love you. I choose to, even though I'm not feeling it. Today, I am going to be nice to Darcy. Even though I'm not feeling it today, I am going to do what Darcy is asking me to do.
Speaker 2:Right, right.
Speaker 1:And so that's really the big key. I'm sure you might have that on your list, or at least part of that, but that's really the big thing that I wanted to share, first and foremost is the feeling will fade, but your choice to love cannot fade.
Speaker 2:Right, oh, are we going on to my list now, Okay? Well, these are in no order of importance, but I learned how to selflessly love. I learned how to put your wants and your needs and all of that before mine and love you and choose you. Honestly, back to what you said I choose you. I am an introvert and I need my space and sometimes you're in my space and I just choose to. Okay, Lord, I'm going to let him be in my space and love him and he'll go away and I'll have my space later.
Speaker 1:But I've also had to learn and there was a day I don't know, here recently, within the past few weeks, I was out running some errands and you basically told me stay away. I did, just don't come home. And thank you because before stay away, I did.
Speaker 2:Just don't come home and thank you, because before you wouldn't have cared, you would have said I'm coming home, but thank you, you took your time and gave me that space, because I needed it.
Speaker 1:It's give and take on both sides and you talk about selfless love. And you talk about selfless love If each spouse can wake up every day in their marriage and say, okay, how can I selflessly love my spouse? And both spouses are doing that.
Speaker 2:It's beautiful.
Speaker 1:Because we've had both sides of that. We've had a oh, we had 15 years maybe not 15, we had 13 years of I'm doing this for me because I want to right, and that led to heartache, it led to fights, it led to unhappiness, and it doesn't even necessarily have to be a big thing. But instead of me here's where I feel like we have really changed Instead of me saying I'm going to do this for me because it makes me happy and I want to do this, is me saying, okay, now, instead of that, I'm going to say man, I really want to do that, I really. But I know it, darcy doesn't necessarily enjoy it.
Speaker 1:But here's the crazy part is, whenever we're both living that selfless, 9 times out of 10 we end up doing that thing that makes me happy, because you are selflessly loving and you want to do things that make me happy. So you want to do things that make me happy. So you choose to do things that make me happy, whereas before I would say OK, I'm doing this, I don't care what Darcy says, whether she wants to or not. I'm doing it because I want to and it makes me happy, and oftentimes, like we said, it would lead to fights, fights. But now. Now I don't necessarily push everything that I want to do, but we end up doing it because you love me and, and vice versa, I try to. I try to do things that I know you enjoy right.
Speaker 2:We wake up now asking how can I serve the other person, what can I do today to cheer them up and bring a smile and show them that I love them? And that's where we wake up now and it's so much better. So much more peace and joy come from that.
Speaker 1:And at least from the receiving side, it lets your spouse know that they love me, they are choosing me over themselves. Right knows that their other half whether it be a husband or a wife is doing things for them because they love them and they want them to be happy. It makes that person feel loved and, in turn, want to express that love back. All right, well, my second point is I learned what true commitment was turn.
Speaker 2:Want to express that love back, all right. Well, my second point is I learned what true commitment was. I didn't grow up in a house where commitment was a thing. There was. My whole family, generations back, was divorced and that's what I knew. I had never seen anybody stay married to the same person for a long time. Now I got to see that with your parents. I don't know how long they had been married by the time I came into the family, but it was over 50 years and I didn't understand. And I, I asked your mom so many questions and your mom fought for us in prayer and you know she showed me what commitment was. The Lord showed me what commitment was. But even in the bad times, even when I mean, we went to child support court, we, you know, we had child exchanges and we were separated three or four times I still had that commitment and loyalty and love for you and I refuse to believe that the unhealed version of you was the real version of you.
Speaker 1:I think what it boils down to a lot is in today's world and a lot of it is because of the enemy in the world. We are told and we are taught do what makes you happy.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Do what makes you feel good and, going back to the original point, when that feeling fades, I don't feel good anymore, I don't feel happy anymore. So therefore, I'm going to leave.
Speaker 2:Right and we lean on. A lot of times people lean on you know somebody, their spouse, making them happy. That is not their job and if that's, that's a you issue.
Speaker 1:I've seen. I've seen both sides. I've seen divorce not, you know, firsthand, necessarily with my parents or anything like that. I've seen, I've seen divorce and I've seen how that divorce is justified, is justified.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:There are times whenever divorce may not be avoidable for all.
Speaker 2:Right and I understand that.
Speaker 1:But, with that being said, I believe and I know you believe that every effort should be made to make this marriage work. And why I believe that way is because whenever you do get married, you say your vows to each other and you are entering into a covenant with that other person and with God, and with God.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And I have to make every effort within my power to uphold and honor that covenant that was made.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I mean, you're the reason why we are still married. It is because of that determination. There were so many times that, because of the way I acted, because of the way I treated you, I was just ready to walk away.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But it was your faith that held us together. And you're saying I guess you at some point probably said this in your mind, but, and in my viewpoint of it, I would think that it's because of your determination. And you saying I haven't given it every chance and we've lost friends and family because of that. It is your faith, it is your determination, it was your pure grit and hardheadedness and stubbornness that said I'm going to make this work, I'm going to stick it out. I know God can change this man, and if that isn't the true definition of love, then I don't know what love means of love, then I don't know what love means.
Speaker 2:Thank you Got me crying, and that goes into my third point. My faith and prayer life has been increased. I learned not only how to pray for you, fight for you, but also to praise God when the miracles happen and the fact that everything we went through and we are where we are today and we are so happy and so in love and the butterflies are back, and all of that, that is God.
Speaker 1:That's what we had for dinner last night, babe.
Speaker 2:You're so funny.
Speaker 1:I mean, it all goes back to love. If you love your spouse, you're going to pray for your spouse. We're taught to pray for our enemies, Right, If we're taught to pray for our enemies. If God tells us that we are to pray for our enemies, I mean come on.
Speaker 2:I mean, at one point I thought you were my enemy. That's rude, it's true, you know, but no at one point I thought you were my enemy. That's true. It's true, you know. But no, I went to battle. I went to on my knees, deep in prayer, battle for you, and I wouldn't change any of it. I still go to battle for you.
Speaker 1:But even in the good times, even if you aren't going through what our marriage went through the first 13 years, you still pray for and with your spouse.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You want to talk about intimacy. Intimacy we always think it's sex or physical intimacy. You want to talk about intimacy? Pray with your spouse.
Speaker 2:Right, there's power in that. The next thing is well, I learned how to forgive quickly. That was a problem for me. I would hold on to it and these walls would start coming up and there would be barriers and and now you irritate me for like five minutes, and then I forgive you when we move on.
Speaker 1:I don't know I irritate you, you know you do.
Speaker 2:That's how your love language is being annoying.
Speaker 1:Learning the forgiveness. Seven times 70. Yeah, how many times are we to, you know, forgive, and basically we're to never stop forgiving, right One thing that we have always tried to do, even during the bad times we've always tried to not go to bed angry. If we had had a fight, whatever it is, we would always try to go to bed, go to sleep on good terms. It doesn't mean there wasn't hurting, anything like that, but we took that seriously. I can't. I mean, that's something people tell everybody who's getting never go to sleep angry. But we tried to uphold that and over the years, learning to forgive has changed, because I think before we'd still go to bed angry, yeah, and we hadn't really forgiven.
Speaker 1:But we've learned how to forgive and I think a key, at least for me, in learning to forgive, especially those closest to me and I say especially those closest to me, but everybody really the key to understanding and it makes it a lot easier to forgive somebody when you understand that nine times out of ten, the actions that they did that hurt you weren't intentionally done to hurt you.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And understanding that makes it a lot easier to forgive somebody. Yes, your actions hurt me. Your actions did this to me, but knowing that they weren't. If you hit me with a rock, but you were trying to hit the tree with a rock, it's a lot easier for me to forgive you than if you were throwing that rock at me to hit me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But so many times we get angry and we react out of our anger whenever the other person either A has no clue that they hurt you or, b they weren't intending to hurt you. Right, they weren't intending to hurt you.
Speaker 2:Right, and the last one that I have is I learned that marriage is a ministry. Our marriage is. You know, we are to minister to each other. We are to set an example for the younger generations, the people who are getting married. And God uses every bit of it to set an example for the younger generations, the people who are getting married.
Speaker 1:And God uses every bit of it. If I can't speak into you, if I can't pray for you, if I can't guide you, lead you, direct you, if I can't point something out in Scripture to you you being my spouse, you being my part of me if I can't do that with you, how is God going to entrust me to do that with?
Speaker 2:anybody else Yep.
Speaker 1:And so, yes, your ministry begins at home. My job is to lead this house, my job is to lead you. My job is to make sure that you are getting into heaven and my son is getting into heaven. That is my first and foremost ministry as a man, as my wife and my children, and if I can't minister to them, then I can't minister to anybody else. And that's why you have a lot of church denominations. Whenever somebody is going through the ordination process or licensing process to be a pastor in that denomination, a lot of times they will look at that person's household. And it's for that reason, if that man or that woman who's wanting to enter into full-time ministry, if they can't fulfill the ministry of their home, how are they going to fulfill that ministry that they are trying to step into in the church and minister to others?
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I've had to learn how to do that. I've had to learn how to, how to lead and how to instruct without being a dictator.
Speaker 2:True, and you've learned, you're very good at it now. Yeah, oh, that's all I had, that's all you had 19 years and that's all you have. Those were my top five. Do you have any? Have you learned anything?
Speaker 1:I think the only thing that I would really add to that is learn to have fun and learn to appreciate the small moments we get, or at least I do. I get asked all the time well, do you take your wife on special dates? And I try to do that, but in all honesty and you know this because I've shared this with you before If we're having a crazy, busy, hectic week because of my work and my work schedule changes day to day, week to week we never know when I'm working, when I'm not working, the hours that I'm working, so we do things spontaneously. Working the hours that I'm working, so we do things spontaneously. And if it's a Tuesday morning breakfast date.
Speaker 1:I try to treat that with the same gusto, with the same energy as I would if we were going out on a Friday night to a five-star restaurant.
Speaker 2:Right, you do.
Speaker 1:And just have fun in those small moments. If you don't have money to go out and do things, enjoy that time at home with your wife, with your husband. Make that time special. Learn to have fun in all those small moments when you're doing life. You've got sports games that you're going to for the kids, you've got choir recitals, band concerts all this and you're going a million different ways. It's easy to neglect your spouse, but if you're intentional about making all of those moments special, you can have a wonderful date night at the junior high band concert with your wife.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Make all those really those everyday moments and making all those moments special. Not having having a date night carved out is wonderful and great. But if you live for that date night and you're only treating your spouse special on that date night but all the other hours of the week you're just the hustle and bustle of life, it'll drain on you real quick. But if you're intentional about making every small moment special, then you'll enjoy that other person a lot more and it'll make life a lot easier.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So I hope that you've maybe heard something in a different way from us today, or maybe you learned something new. Either way, as we celebrate 19 years of marriage, we hope that your marriage is thriving. We hope that you are happy. We hope that you are honoring your spouse and God through your life and through your marriage. As always, if you want to connect with us, you can find us on Facebook, at the Restored Podcast, or you can send us an email at therestoredcast, at gmailcom. We would love to hear your testimony. We would love to hear your testimony. We would love to hear your story. If you have any prayer requests, any special needs, send that in. As always, those are confidential. We will not share them with anybody but God, and I guarantee you that those prayer requests will be taken before God and prayed for, and we will agree with you whatever you're asking for, Until next week. For Darcy, I am Frank and you have been listening to the Restored Podcast. Thank you.