The Restored Podcast
We are living proof that God can and will restore any life, any marriage, any family that submits to His will. Join us as we share our testimony of how God can take a situation and restore it to His purpose.
The Restored Podcast
Present, Not Perfect: What Kids Really Need from Dad
The absence of fathers in American homes has reached epidemic proportions, with one in four children growing up without a dad—three times the global average. Behind these statistics lie troubling outcomes: 90% of runaway children, 75% of teenage murderers, and 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. These aren't just numbers; they represent a generational crisis affecting communities nationwide.
Frank and Darcie Montgomery dive into this critical topic with personal vulnerability, sharing their own experiences with fathers. Frank reflects on losing his dad just before their son was born, yet carrying forward the invaluable lessons of work ethic and faith his father instilled. Darcie opens up about navigating relationships with three father figures throughout her life—her biological father, with whom reconciliation came only recently; her stepdad who raised her; and her mom's current husband. Their stories highlight how fathers shape us, for better or worse, and how healing can occur even after years of disconnection.
At the heart of effective fatherhood lies presence—not just physical proximity, but genuine emotional availability. "Your children are always watching," Frank emphasizes, noting that kids learn more from what we do than what we say. This presence requires balancing grace with discipline, creating an environment where children feel safe to make mistakes without fear of rejection, yet understand boundaries and consequences. Perhaps most profoundly, fathers teach their children how relationships should function. How a father treats his wife becomes the template for how sons will treat women and what daughters will expect from men in their lives.
Whether you're a father, stepfather, spiritual father, or someone who simply recognizes the critical importance of male leadership in children's lives, this conversation offers practical wisdom for strengthening families and communities. Ready to become the father your children need? Listen now and discover how transformative intentional fatherhood can be for the next generation.
you were listening to the restored podcast with frank and darcy montgomery hey everybody.
Speaker 2:We're so glad you could join us today. Thank you for listening. Today is Father's Day, so happy Father's Day to you, Frank.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:And we'd also like to wish happy Father's Day to all the stepfathers, bonus fathers, biological fathers, spiritual fathers. If you make an impact as a father figure of any type, happy Father's Day to you.
Speaker 1:Fact of the matter is is that young children need a strong male influence in their life. You sent me a graphic earlier today that kind of surprised me in a way, but it didn't. I don't know the source of this. One in four children in America live without a father in the home. America now leads the world in fatherlessness by three times the global average.
Speaker 2:That's astonishing.
Speaker 1:Here's what homes that don't have a father present create. 90% of runaway kids come from a fatherless home. 75% of all teenage murders come from a fatherless home. High school dropouts. 71% of high school dropouts come from a fatherless home.
Speaker 2:come from a fatherless home 70% of people incarcerated come from a fatherless home 63% of youth suicides happen in a fatherless home and 60% of all rapists come from a fatherless home, so basically what that says is that fathers have a huge impact.
Speaker 1:The epidemic that we are facing in America today, with crime, with violence, with uneducation, with violence, with uneducation, with the sexual immorality that's running rampant. It all goes back to a dad a father not being in the home. God created the family and created the home with a man, the father, the head of the house, with a mom, a woman, who is nurturing, caring and submissive to the husband. And when I say that it means that the children see the mom allowing the dad, the head of the house, to lead, it doesn't mean mom does whatever dad says. It just means that mom allows dad to lead and the children see that when you have a home nucleus like that, like the way God intended, people flourish. So today we want to talk about what it means to be a dad and then also honoring our dads.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And I wanted to start by honoring my dad, who is no longer with us. It's days like today that I miss him a little more Right, days like today that I miss him a little more Right. I haven't had my dad my entire Journey as a father, journey as a father. My dad passed away the day before Hayden was born, and so I really didn't have him to turn to for advice and wisdom during raising Hayden. There were some other men that I could turn to if I needed, and I did, but my dad taught me a few things that I really I mean he's the only reason. I mean he's the only reason. First of all, is my work ethic to if you're going to work for somebody, you give it all you've got. If you're going to work for yourself, you give whatever you do. You give it your all. You do your best.
Speaker 2:And you do it as unto God.
Speaker 1:The other thing he taught me was to love God, and I carry those two things with me because of him. There's a little funny story, and this is the kind of dad my dad was. I was probably I don't know five, six years old and we were out on the farm and at that I, at that age, I was terrified of stickers like little graspers, stickers that and out in the country. I mean, they're everywhere you had those, but you also had big old cockaburras.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I mean just the fear that I would have whenever I got those in my shoes, because every time I touched them I poked myself and it hurt. Well, one time I remember this distinctly and you know the family farm we were down by the arena area. I can't remember exactly what we were doing, but I looked down and my shoes were just covered in stickers and I freaked out.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And my dad. Just he calmly came over to me, he picked one out. He said there, that's how you do it.
Speaker 2:And did you get the rest out?
Speaker 1:He picked me up, he put me on the hood of his truck and he would not let me down until I picked every sticker out of my shoes that does not surprise me at all I mean, my dad was also the type that you know you, you hear it joking, but you know and I'm going extreme here, but you know, if I were to be walking close to a electrical outlet with a screwdriver and again I'm being funny over exaggerating but my dad's the type that would say, let him do it, he won't do it again. Yeah, but I miss my dad and I honor him by trying to live the way that I think he would be proud of. And so I just wanted to, you know, honor him in that way, because I don't do that enough, and I think today's a day that we should honor our dads. We should honor our dads every day, but even more so on Father's Day.
Speaker 2:I have three dads.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:How'd that happen? I'm doing a lot of honoring I have. My biological dad and my parents divorced when I was six and after that I didn't really have a relationship with him until um four or five years ago and you know I'm grateful that he's back and the Holy Spirit had to do some work in that situation. And then my mom remarried and I got my stepdad, who for basically my whole life was my dad. You know, I was 10 years old and he chose me and my brother.
Speaker 1:I mean, whenever I first met you, I had no idea that that was your stepdad. Well, at least for a few days. And if you don't catch that reference, I mean go back and listen to episode one. The first part of our relationship moved pretty fast, but it did. But, yes, your stepdad. I mean you didn't call him James, you didn't call him stepdaddy, you didn't my mom's husband.
Speaker 2:No, he was my dad.
Speaker 1:He was your dad.
Speaker 2:And he was Hayden's papa and he still is, and we have a relationship that's good. And then they divorced and I ended up gaining another stepdad, who is a wonderful man and I am grateful that you know he's in the family now. So, and I would like to take this moment to say I am so thankful, after you read those statistics, that you and I were able to work through everything and not put Hayden in that situation. I don't like divorce.
Speaker 1:I mean divorce can do some crazy things. It can give you three dads, it can cause whereas in your relationship with your biological dad after him and your mom divorced, I mean mean there was still the custody thing and you saw him, you know, on those, those visitation times, but because of divorce, um, and everything after divorce, a new relationships, moving, things like that relationships can become strained and I mean that in a nutshell, that's what happened between you and your biological dad and I pray regularly that that relationship will continue to be mended and I've seen it taking place over the past few years yeah, but it's something that you said, you know you, and during those hard times, there were times where I made all kinds of mistakes and I said all kinds of things that I shouldn't have said and I felt ways that maybe I shouldn't have felt or express them in ways I shouldn't have said, and I felt ways that maybe I shouldn't have felt or expressed them in ways I shouldn't have expressed them.
Speaker 2:And you reminded me that I, what Hayden sees coming from me, the honor that I show my parents, even in their difficult times, is how he's going to learn to honor and respect us and treat us as he goes further into adulthood and he's out on his own, and that brought so much conviction but so much healing to me and made me intentional in the way that I honor them, all of them. Well, good, yeah, thank you.
Speaker 1:Glad I could help you in that matter. But I mean, it's real simple and it never stops. I learned the hard way, you know. And there's a country song that came out right about the time Hayden was born and it talked about he was he. He overheard a son, said cuss word. And he's like son, where'd you learn how to talk like that? I said Dad, I've been watching you, you know. And then the song goes on and he watches his little son pray.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And he said where'd you learn how to pray like that? And he says, dad, I've been watching you and the fact of the matter is, is dads moms too but today's Dad's Day, so we're focusing on dads. But, dads, your children are watching you and it doesn't matter whether they are 2, whether they are 10, or 32. They are watching you and they are going to learn from you. There's an old saying do as I say, not as I do. That doesn't work. We can tell our children don't do this. We can tell our children that's bad for you. We can tell our children don't do this. We can tell our children that's bad for you. We can tell our children whatever Right, but they're watching us and they're going to see what we are doing. They're going to see how we act, how we react. They're going to see how we talk about other people when those other people aren't around, and they're learning from us by just watching.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's why we're called to be an example. I mean, our example means more, and the way we live our life means more than anything we could say, and I think you've done a really good job of being that example for Aiden.
Speaker 1:I haven't always done a good job about that, but I've tried to be more intentional. You know so many, I remember so many things people would say whenever hayden was first born. And it's all those cliche things be careful, daddy hayden's watching you now. Yeah, be careful what you say. Little little ears, you're listening. It's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Enjoy these moments. The time flies by so fast.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and there's another. I mean you've always well, not always, but in recent years, since your healing came and all of that you have been very intentional about being present, even if you've worked long hours or you've had early mornings, late nights, and you've been present when you got home.
Speaker 1:It's real simple. A lot of men think that they have to be playing a sport with their child, whatever it might be. They have to constantly be doing something, but that's just not the case. Just be there. So much goes on in a child's life and in a child's mind, and just the comfort for them to know that dad is there. Right, it's big. I look at, I look at my role as a dad, I look to God and the first thing that comes to mind is God will never leave you nor forsake you. Right is God will never leave you nor forsake you. Right? And that's how we should be as earthly fathers to our children here on earth. They should know that we will never leave them nor forsake them. And I'm not even going down the divorce route with that statement. I'm talking about dads that are happily married to their children's mom and they live in the house together and they're physically present, and they're physically right.
Speaker 1:Um, maybe they're not present mentally yeah they check out. Um, it's easy to do. You have a hard day at work. You just want to come home and chill and relax and not have an an annoying, nagging little toddler, you know. Or teenager Messing around, but just be there.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Just be present For that child to know that if they've had a bad day, dad will be there for me.
Speaker 2:Right. And not only were you there, you kept those lines of communication open, open, and so hayden always felt comfortable going to you with anything I've, I've tried really hard and um and I don't think he ever felt judged when you would talk to him either, like there was no judgment coming against him, even when he was in trouble.
Speaker 1:And again I take that from God and I look at how God forgives us and the grace that God shows us, and you try to give that to your children as well, and I've always wanted hayden to know look, I love you. There's nothing in this world that you can do that will make me love you any less. Right, probably.
Speaker 2:Probably.
Speaker 1:There's a chance. But am I going to love you any less? No, am I going to think anything different of you? No, and I've told him that time and time again, and I know there's still some stuff that he won't come to me with. But the fact that he knows that I love him and I'm not going to judge him, I'm not going to treat him any differently. I'm going to give him my advice and move on. And you know, as far as the grace component of it goes, you know if it's something that he made a big mistake and is needing help with, it's not going to do him any good if I just come down on him harder.
Speaker 2:And I'm so glad that you had that discernment and that you got that from the Holy Spirit, because I supposed to be the nurturing, loving one would be like drop the hammer on him, that's enough is enough. And you're like wait, that's not how we handle that.
Speaker 1:And there comes a time where that is needed, where you have to draw a hard line in the sand and you know this will not happen. But again I look to God and Paul tells us about grace, teaches us about grace and how grace doesn't give us an excuse to keep on sinning. Grace gives us that freedom to get back up after we sinned. And that's what I wanted Hayden to know and I think that's what fathers should be instilling in their children by showing that grace. And again, I'm not saying no, punishment's all grace. There's got to be punishments or else corrective action, or else the behaviors will not change. But if a child makes a mistake and they come to you with that mistake and you just beat them down and you punish them A they're going to shut down. They're not going to come to you anymore with their mistakes, but most likely they're going to stay down and stay stuck in that place, Whereas the grace gives them the freedom. I might have messed up. I might have made that mistake at school, I might have messed up with dad.
Speaker 1:I might have pissed him off, but I can get back up and I can try again tomorrow Exactly, and that's the grace that God gives us, and we should be showing that same grace to to everyone.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:But, today being father's day, focusing on dads and, of course, if you're a dad, you have a child or a spiritual child or somebody.
Speaker 1:So that's where that is, but that's always been my philosophy is as God gives me that grace, I'm going to give that grace to Hayden because I know how freeing that grace can be, and because I know how freeing that grace can be.
Speaker 1:If I get reprimanded and beat down every time I make a mistake, there's no point in me even getting up and trying again, because the next time I make a mistake I'm just going to get beat back down Right. Another big key for dads to take away, and it all ties in with everything that we've talked about. Guys, your sons are watching you how you treat your wife, how you interact with your wife. You are teaching them and they are learning from you and that's how they're going to treat their wife when they're older. And vice versa with little girls, dads, if you have little girls, how you treat your mom, how you treat that little girl's mom, shows that little girl what to expect in a man when she's older, if she sees you talking down to her mom, if she sees you abusing her mom, then she's going to find that acceptable later on, when she's older and there might be a man who talks down to her and she's going to accept it because she always saw dad talking to mom that way, because you set the standards.
Speaker 1:You set the standards for what they experience and, you know, accept later on in life and you know that's and and again it ties back into your kids are always watching you. But, man, stand up, be the leader of the house that god has called you to be. Be the father that God has called you to be. Lead your children with grace and discipline. Don't spare the rod. Give that grace, don't spare the rod. If you spare the rod, you're going to raise a little entitled jerk who has no boundaries and has no heart and thinks that they can do whatever because they haven't faced repercussions for when they were out of line. But, guys, there is hope to God and you don't just talk about it on Sundays, but the way you act Monday through Saturday at home as an example to your children. If you are walking in that headship that God has called you to, then you don't have to worry about not being a good dad.
Speaker 2:And peace comes to your family and your family grows in strength. And I've seen it personally. We've talked about it in the first episode, everything we went through and where you are now, you have become that leader, you have become that father, you have become that husband, and I'm so proud of you and I'm so grateful for you.
Speaker 1:Thank, Thank you. Your son made me cry today.
Speaker 2:Why.
Speaker 1:The card he gave me at lunch.
Speaker 2:What'd it say?
Speaker 1:Just basically along those same lines how he looks up to me and that's always been my biggest fear and a lot of my reasoning for lack of punishment and lack of all of that stuff for so much of his life, because I wasn't that example and I felt hypocritical getting on to him for something that I was doing. But he has seen the change. He has seen the change. Yes, he has lived the change.
Speaker 2:And I see him turning back to God and I think you're the example that has helped him continue to walk that way.
Speaker 1:Well, even when we weren't right, we did our best to keep him in church. And the Bible tells us what is it? Exodus? No, exodus something. Train up a child.
Speaker 2:No, no, it's not Exodus, no.
Speaker 1:That's honoring your parents.
Speaker 2:It's in Proverbs 22.6.
Speaker 1:What does it say?
Speaker 2:It says train up a child in the way he should go, teaching him to seek God's wisdom and will for his abilities and talents. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Speaker 1:See, in that last part of that verse. I think so many people are confusing that verse, thinking that okay, if I raise my child in church, they're going to grow up and it's going to be happily ever after all smooth sailing.
Speaker 2:No, but if they do depart, that's what that's saying. If they do depart, they will come back because they have that foundation.
Speaker 1:Here's what it is, and Pastor talked about it in a sermon today and I'm not going to try to steal too much of his sermon, but he used himself as an example of how every time he's gone through a hard time or a trial or something's come his way, or, to use his terminology from his sermon today, when he was walking through the fire, he would cry out to God and his family would see him crying out to God. And he knows, and he has that assurance that whenever they're older, or even now where they are, that when they walk through the fire, when they're faced with tribulation, they'll know to cry out to God just as their dad had cried out to God. And that's what I hold on to. Whether it's our own son Hayden or whether I'm talking to a friend of mine who has a wayward child, the fact of the matter is, if you plant that in them, it is there. They may not want to have a relationship with Jesus at the time. They as as Phil Robertson would say, they might want to run with the devil for a little while. And if, if that's the case, parents rest easy knowing that you have planted that in them and they have that and that's part of their upbringing and their core and they will always have that to turn back to and I'm living testament of that.
Speaker 1:I was raised in church. I knew that I could turn to God when times got hard. I knew that he was there for me, that he was always there for me, no matter what. But even when I was not living right and I was doing my own thing, when things got hard, what did I do? I cried out to God, because that's what my parents taught me to do.
Speaker 2:Right. They taught you how to fight those battles. They taught you your war plan.
Speaker 1:So do you have anything else to add to this wonderful Father's Day discussion?
Speaker 2:Happy Father's Day. Thank you, you're welcome Happy.
Speaker 1:Father's Day Thank you.
Speaker 1:You're welcome. So, once again, to all the dads out there, happy Father's Day. Let me be if no one has told you today. You're doing a good job, dad. Keep it up, Keep trusting God, Keep standing firm. Be in the leader of your house and doing what God has called you to do, as always. Find us on Facebook at the Restored Podcast, or you can email us at therestoredcast at gmailcom. We'd love to hear your praise reports and your prayer requests and your prayer request Until next time you've been listening to the Restored Podcast.