The Restored Podcast
We are living proof that God can and will restore any life, any marriage, any family that submits to His will. Join us as we share our testimony of how God can take a situation and restore it to His purpose.
The Restored Podcast
Your Marriage Needs a Third Wheel (Spoiler: It's God)
The path to marital unity isn't about compromise or meeting halfway—it's about something far more powerful. Frank and Darcie Montgomery tackle the fundamental question of how two people with different backgrounds, perspectives, and personalities truly become one.
At the heart of their discussion is a profound insight: "It takes three to make two become one." This counterintuitive truth points to the essential role faith plays in creating genuine unity between spouses. When God becomes the centerpiece of a marriage, individual differences stop being obstacles and start becoming complementary strengths. The Montgomerys share from their own journey how they've moved from operating independently to embracing true oneness in every aspect of life.
Financial unity emerges as a critical testing ground for marital oneness. Darcie challenges the popular notion of separate accounts and divided responsibilities, insisting that complete transparency and shared financial decision-making are non-negotiable for couples serious about unity. "That's not unity, that's just malarkey," she explains when describing marriages where finances remain separated. This conversation expands to encompass trust, child-rearing approaches, and daily transparency.
Frank vulnerably shares his transformation from compartmentalizing "my life" to embracing "our life" in everything from work relationships to daily activities. Their most revolutionary concept might be the "100-100 marriage" that replaces the common "50-50" model. This approach has each spouse waking each day asking, "What can I do to make my partner's life better today?" rather than focusing on their own needs—creating a powerful cycle of mutual service and deeper understanding.
Ready to experience a new level of oneness in your marriage? Listen now and discover practical ways to strengthen your relationship through unity of purpose, finances, parenting approaches, and daily living—all centered in shared faith. This episode kicks off a special series on Darcie’s top five keys to marital success that you won't want to miss.
you are listening to the restored podcast with frank and darcy montgomery welcome back to the restoredored Podcast. Thank you, I'm glad to be here.
Speaker 2:This is episode number five, and earlier this week you gave me an assignment for today's episode. Can you tell us what that was? Tell us what that was Darcy's top five keys for a healthy, happy marriage.
Speaker 1:Right, and that sounds easy and simple enough, right? Well, I mean, you got to narrow it down to five.
Speaker 2:There's so many things that go into making a marriage healthy, happy and yeah well, they all kept coming back to this one thing becoming one and having unity in your marriage.
Speaker 1:That's important.
Speaker 2:And when I say that, what do you think of? How do you become unified?
Speaker 1:Well, first of all, I heard somebody say this and it really resonated in me and it sounds really cool. But it takes three to make two become one.
Speaker 2:I like that.
Speaker 1:So when you talk about two people getting married and God designed it this way, I think, but you hear people say all the time that opposites attract Well, when you have opposite viewpoints, you have opposite backgrounds, you have opposite beliefs. You have everything opposite and you're supposed to become one, and what that looks like is that you're in unison with your thoughts, with your actions, with your emotions, your emotions, your mindset, everything it's supposed to come together and be cohesive.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And in order to achieve that, you have got to, first and foremost, put God at the center of your relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And that's what that means is it takes three. So it takes the husband and the wife and it takes God to make the husband and wife become one Right. And I look back at our life and early on and even still to this day. We're better now because God is at the center of our relationship. But I look back at the beginning of our relationship and why it struggled so much and neither one of us were putting God at the center of our marriage.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:At the center of our life. We believed in God. We knew God existed.
Speaker 2:We had had experiences with God.
Speaker 1:But we weren't really, you know, focused on Him and allowing Him to lead and direct us. And so, for the first thing that has to happen is you've got to realize God is in control, and when God is in control, I'm allowing God to make those decisions for me.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So it takes three, it takes God to be part of that. And then you know you look at a rope and you had the three strand rope. Three corded rope is a lot stronger and can't be broken and that all ties back into putting God in the relationship with you. So when we look at that and how that looks on earth, genesis 2.24 says that man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And it goes both ways. The woman will leave her mother and father and cleave to her husband, and that word cleave there means like conjoined glued together, that nothing will separate. But so many times, the first thing that will separate the two from becoming one are our families that we're supposed to be leaving.
Speaker 2:Those outside influences that we take to heart too much.
Speaker 1:And I think a lot of it comes natural, because when you do get married, most likely you're younger.
Speaker 1:Some people wait until later on in life to get married, but for the most part, you're pretty young when you get married, and when you get married, you're moving out and you're living on your own for the first time. You're doing all these things on your own for the first time, and when you come to something that you don't know, it's only natural instinct that you turn to the people that you've always turned to for guidance and direction.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so we turn to parents most often, or we turn to grandparents, if the grandparents raised us, whatever it is. But you turn to those things for the direction, for the direction, and when you do that and I know this happened in our case, so I'm going to assume, since it happened in our situation- it most likely happens in most of the situation.
Speaker 1:Most of the couples you know do this, and I love your mom to death. But there were times when you and I were making decisions about where to move uh, what to do with this job, how to, how to do this with our son, and whatever it might be, you would turn to your mom I would and see where I messed up is.
Speaker 2:I can turn to her for that advice. But where it should have ended was I got that advice and I came to you and you and I discussed it and made a decision together.
Speaker 1:But a lot of times what happened is her advice would oftentimes be opposite of what my thoughts were and instead of, like you said, instead of you coming to that and presenting that to me you know you had it made up in your mind before you ever came to me that that's what you were going to do, because Mama said Right and the fact that you know you weren't following God at that point.
Speaker 2:I wasn't following God at that point. I was in my 20s and early 20s. You were mid-20s, late 20s. We weren't established enough or experienced enough and we made a lot of mistakes that we look back now on and regret I mean. One that sticks out to me is I homeschooled our son and, through family and listening to family, against my wishes, I put him in public school and I look back on that now, at almost 40, and it bothers me well, I mean, there's nothing you can do about that now no, but I'm saying, if I, if I would have realized, I wouldn't have listened.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. I would have.
Speaker 1:And you hit on something else that when you are making decisions and it ties back to it takes three to make two become one.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:When each person is following God's will and direction for their life. It makes it makes it a lot easier for your spouse to say, okay, my husband is following God. I know that he has seeked God's wisdom. I know that he has seeked God's guidance for this and I'm going to trust that when he says let's do this. Or vice versa, when she says, I know, when it comes to you, that it's a lot easier for me now to take into account what you're bringing to the table instead of just dismissing it immediately, because I know that you have seeked God's guidance on the situation.
Speaker 1:I know that you have spent time in prayer. I know that you have spent time in the word. You have spent time in prayer. I know that you have spent time in the Word and I know that that, whatever it is that you're bringing to the table for that discussion, for that decision to be made, I know that you have spent time with God Right, and vice versa. You know the wives. If they know that their husband is doing that as well, it makes it a lot easier for them to say, okay, I'm going to trust you, but I'm only trusting you because I know you are trusting God.
Speaker 2:Right, and if there's times where your husband backslides or your wife backslides, you can feel that and at that point you pray for them and you come into unity again. That happens, I've seen it happen, yeah, yeah. So anyway, as far as this goes, what are other ways that we become unified?
Speaker 1:Well, I just think that I mean it's got to be everything you do. I mean, when you talk about conjoining together, everything has to be unified. We had this discussion with Hayden last night at dinner. But one of my biggest pet peeves are finances, and finances are, you know, a major cause for strife in marriages. And I think the world tells us well, that's easy, keep your finances separate. And you don't have to worry about that.
Speaker 2:I don't agree with that.
Speaker 1:But that is my biggest grind when I hear a husband and wife have different checking accounts and so-and-so is responsible for the utility bills, so-and-so is responsible for mortgage and insurance. They're each responsible for their own vehicle. He has his account, she has her account.
Speaker 2:Nobody knows what's in the other one's account. They keep it separate. That's not unity, that's just malarkey. Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's not unity, that's just malarkey.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I mean, I you know, and on Venmo you can you know if people make it public or not? Even if it's public, you can see when people send each other money and I'll see husbands and wives sending each other money and I'm like how does that even happen? Because my debit card is linked to the exact same checking account that your debit card is linked to. I might have a credit card in my name, but you're an authorized user. You can look at everything. You have your own card.
Speaker 1:You have access to that credit line, just the same as I do, and that goes for our personal and our business accounts, I mean and so I think that finances are a big part of it, and you know, dave ramsey will tell you that that's one of the leading causes for divorce is arguments over finances.
Speaker 1:And you know, you know one way to a, one way to get rid of any any doubt, any untrust, anything like that is for each spouse to have complete access and know exactly what's in that account and where that money is and where that money is being invested and where the money is going in full transparency. But for you to not be able to share finances, for you able to keep things separate, to me that just it's almost like you have an escape plan already in place. I don't have to separate that if something goes awry. I've already got my money in my account, I've got my 401k, I've got my savings account, my car's in my name, not in my husband's name, all this stuff. But you're just setting yourself up for failure when you do that. Everything we have is ours. If there's an account, if there's a car, whatever it is, if we're buying something, both of our names are on it and we share it. We share the debt.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:We share, we share everything, and I just I really don't understand that when people separate that if and finances are a big part of our life here on Earth, and I mean, if you're, if you're separating that, what else are you separating?
Speaker 2:Right and so and you brought up a couple of things. You talked about trust. I mean, that's an essential for becoming one. You have to trust that person in all aspects and in everything. So speak more on that, please.
Speaker 1:Wow, Put me on the spot here. Well, I mean and again it goes doing that, when I know that God is guiding your life, when you are spending your time in communication with God, it makes it, I won't say a lot easier, but it makes it. It almost makes it impossible not to trust you.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because if you are spending time in your relationship with God and you are seeking His wisdom and His guidance, for me to not trust you is like I'm saying I don't trust God. Now, that takes trust in itself that you were in that relationship with God itself, that you were in that relationship with God, but when God is at the center of it and things happen in real life that cause trust to be broken, and we've talked about that.
Speaker 1:We've experienced that. I mean going outside of the marriage for sexual gratification, hiding money, lying about where we've been, even if it you know.
Speaker 2:I'm so glad, let me say this I am so glad that I can now be able to look at your phone. Your phone I have full access to now, and that has brought us closer.
Speaker 1:Pastor. Pastor talked about that a couple weeks ago and something. I don't remember if it was a sermon or what it was, but he was talking about that and you know my first thoughts were I can actually do that now.
Speaker 2:Right, and there was a time where your phone was like glued to you.
Speaker 1:It was glued to me. You didn't know my password.
Speaker 2:It was glued to me.
Speaker 1:You didn't know my password. You know, the other day we were at a restaurant eating lunch, I think and I went to the restroom and I didn't realize till I got back from the restroom that my phone was on the table. Yeah, left with you and you're like somebody's texting you and before.
Speaker 2:that would have triggered.
Speaker 1:Oh, I would have, I would have been, I would have been scared to death Like what did she see? And but now, just that.
Speaker 2:And that's how it is with every part of our life, like we are completely open and honest and each other's best friends. But it hasn't always been that way.
Speaker 1:And it's only taken God A because we broke that trust.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But whenever you're going into a marriage and people tell you trust is earned well, trust should be earned during that dating period, right? Well, trust should be earned during that dating period, right. And so when you go into a marriage after that dating period, you should go into that marriage giving your spouse full trust and, yes, if your spouse is up to no good, you will be hurt, that trust will be broken, right, but I think that you have to start that relationship off with trust.
Speaker 1:So many people build up those walls and it takes years and years and years for those walls to come down Absolutely. But the marriage should start off with no walls and it's our responsibility as the spouse to keep those walls from being built in the first place.
Speaker 2:And how do you do that?
Speaker 1:Well, the first and foremost is full transparency. Right, I used to get so I can't think of the right word for it but you would. I would think that you would overshare. Oh, I'm going to do this, and then I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this, and then I'm going to go here and then this is going to happen and I'm like okay, live your life, be a happy wife.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I wouldn't share any of that. I'd be like deuces I'm going to work.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:And that was it.
Speaker 2:Right to work, mm-hmm, and that was it Right.
Speaker 1:And those walls you're talking about. They started building, but it took time for me to understand and realize what you were doing. And you had to tell me what you were doing because I was a little slow and I didn't understand. But you were being fully transparent about what your day was Right and not that you were hiding anything that you were doing. And I was the opposite and even when I wasn't hiding anything, even when I wasn't doing anything nefarious, right you were still kind of secretive.
Speaker 2:I was secretive because that was my life.
Speaker 1:I wasn't hiding anything, even when I wasn't doing anything nefarious. Right, you were still kind of secretive. I was secretive because that was my life, that was my interactions. I wasn't going to tell you, oh, I'm going to lunch with so-and-so today, or I've got a meeting with whoever you know. I wouldn't share all of that with you. And it wasn't like I said, it wasn't anything because I was doing anything wrong. It was just that that was my life and those were my relationships and those were my things.
Speaker 2:And the key word there is my, when it should be our life. You know you still have your independence in marriage and your own things, but for the most part you are united in things.
Speaker 1:So I think there's that. I think there's that full transparency and you know it's. It may not. If somebody out there is like me, Then it may not come easy, but your spouse wants to know what you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're doing. And when you can be completely transparent and completely honest and open with that spouse, that'll help bring the intimacy. And when you talk about intimacy, I'm not just talking, and I know you're not, but not just from a sexual standpoint. That intimacy.
Speaker 1:That oneness, mm-hmm, that sharing of our lives. Right, and you hit it on the head. I was saying those were my relationships, those were my, you know, those were my. But even though they were relationships that were directly related to me because we were one Right, they were ours, even if you really weren't a part of them.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:They were still ours.
Speaker 2:And that's why, like when you had the business before, I wasn't on any part of it, but I was there to help and I was trying to support and I wanted to be a part of it and you pushed me out. Now we have our own business where I am just as much ownership as you.
Speaker 1:Well, it all goes back to the transparency.
Speaker 2:And you've gotten better. You're almost either now.
Speaker 1:Thank you. I mean I've been working on my weight a little bit, trying to do a little here and there to lose some weight, so I'm glad you're seeing those results and the fruits of my labor. But no, when you talk about becoming one and you talk about the trust and that ties back to the finances too I trust you to have access to all of our money. I trust you to have access to everything. I trust you to have access to.
Speaker 2:You even let me lay hands on you and speak over you and all that, and before you bought that. So oneness has been achieved.
Speaker 1:Well, it's still a work in progress. I don't think we are where we should be, but we're definitely not where we were. We should be, but we're definitely not where we were. And so when you talk about those things two becoming one we talked about, you have to have God at the center of it.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:We talked about, you know, leaving our parents and beginning to think for our own. And then you know, in that is finances Raising children. Raising children. Trust and raising children is another. I mean, again you go back to opposites. You had your viewpoints on discipline, I had my viewpoints on discipline and we often argued about that, but again, neither one of us were seeking God's wisdom. Now I personally think mine was closer to God's will because my parents were so focused on their relationship with God.
Speaker 2:And each other.
Speaker 1:And each other, whereas I didn't have any of that, but we can get into child rearing at some point. But I mean, that's another one and it goes back to the key is this If we're following God's will, god's direction, we'll be on the same page. And if we're not on the same page, somebody needs to go pray. Somebody needs to get closer to God.
Speaker 2:You need to go pray and ask him to take your issues and change your mind and change your heart and change whatever you're doing. That's wrong and you need to do it together, because you could both be wrong and he's the only one that can bring you into his will and his purpose.
Speaker 1:So I mean I think that's the big takeaway here is, in order to become one, you've got to have God at the center of it. And what does that look like? I've said it probably 10 times so far in this episode, but first and foremost, you have to be in a relationship with God. You have to be seeking God's will daily daily God's direction for you and your family.
Speaker 1:You have to be seeking that on a daily basis and knowing that God is in control. It just it takes away all of that insecurity that each person brings into the relationship. It takes away all of that untrust that each person brings into the relationship. And it does that because whenever you are in line with God, whenever you are following His will, whenever you are seeking the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you are going to bear the fruits of the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Those fights don't happen.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:You might still disagree All the time, but the fights don't happen. The big blowups, the big arguments, the hurtful words, the hurtful words. All of that doesn't happen if you're bearing the fruit of the Spirit Love, joy, peace, kind, long-suffering.
Speaker 2:Self-control.
Speaker 1:Self-control. All of that. And it's a lot easier for two people to come together as one if they're both bearing those fruits. Bearing those fruits and, real quick, two becoming one. When we look at two individuals and each individual is out for their own ie separate finances, I'm going to get my money, he's going to get his money, whatever it might be. My money, he's going to get his money, whatever it might be, when those two become one.
Speaker 1:And I just completely lost my train of thought where I was going with that. Oh, here we are. Sorry, I was looking around and got confused for a second, but when, instead of looking out for myself if I'm looking out for Darcy as much as I'm looking out for Frank they say a marriage takes 50-50. A marriage takes 100-100. It takes 100% on each end, it takes me getting up in the morning and saying what can I do for Darcy today? What can I do to make Darcy's day better? What can I do to make Darcy's day easier? What can I do to take this off of Darcy's plate? And you're doing the same thing. You're waking up. What can I do to make Frank's day better? What can I do to make Frank's day easier? What can I do to take this off of Frank's plate.
Speaker 1:When each spouse is doing that 100% of the time and not looking out for themselves but looking out for the other looking out for themselves but looking out for the other you are going to grow closer A you're going to grow closer because it might open up your eyes a little bit as to what your spouse is facing. If you're trying to take something off of your spouse's plate and you take on that burden, you take on that heaviness, and it might open up your eyes to realize oh my, I didn't realize they were dealing with this, and not even on a physical standpoint. But I didn't know that they were dealing with carrying this emotion. I didn't know that they were dealing with carrying this heavy burden. And so when you're doing that and you're not focused on yourself but you are focused more on your spouse, that'll help you become one.
Speaker 2:Right, it will, and it's taken us some time to get to that point, but we, honestly, I can say, do both wake up with that thought process and go through our day that way.
Speaker 1:So if there's one thing that we could encourage our listeners to for the umpteenth time, I'm going to say it put God first. Seek God's will, seek God's guidance, and just sit back and wait and see. Just start doing that and I'm not saying it's going to happen overnight.
Speaker 2:No. It's going to take time Right and you know, going into worship together, praying together, reading the Bible together, doing Bible studies together, that will help that come quicker and you will both be on the same page because you're together in that.
Speaker 1:And that is a big one. And we struggle to do that. We've gotten better, but we still struggle to sit down on a daily basis and pray with and for each other. Sit down on a daily basis and pray with and for each other, sit down on a daily basis and do a Bible study together. And Satan makes that awkward and weird because he knows that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that will stop a marriage, that will derail a couple if they are doing those things. And if you can do those things on a daily basis with your spouse, man, the intimacy that will come out of that.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's hard to do a Bible study with me, though, so I get where you're coming from.
Speaker 1:I think we pretty much covered point one of Darcy's top five keys to a healthy, happy marriage, and that being that the two shall become one, and how you get to that. And there's so much more how you get to that, but the most important is you're putting God first. Each person is putting God first in their life, so when that happens, if you're putting God first, you will gel together. You will become more like each other.
Speaker 2:You will become one, and that brings power.
Speaker 1:And that brings power and A it brings happiness. It does, and so I just want to encourage everybody that's listening put God first. Put God first with your spouse and just see where it takes you. And thank y'all so much for listening today. We hope that you will tune in next week for our next episode and our next key in Darcy's top five keys to a healthy, happy marriage. Thank you.